Four Steps to Be a Great Friend or Spouse
Last week a group of my friends and I were talking about friendship and how they evolve as our priorities change over the course of a lifetime. Before having children, it seemed to be easier to find time for friendships. But as life happens and you start your own family, balancing relationships with extended family, co-workers, and your spouse can become challenging.
Having supportive friends and family around us isn’t just about companionship; it’s essential for creating a sense of organization in our lives. When we invest time in nurturing these relationships, we not only enrich our social circle but also find encouragement and motivation in our everyday routines.
Since my husband and I moved so often, my friendships changed like the seasons. Most often I hated moving because l felt I was letting people down. When I was working outside the home with a fulltime job, I felt like I was putting my workplace in a position of having to hire someone suddenly as it was usually a fast exit. I never like the feeling of letting anyone down, but moving for work took my husband and me to places we never imagined. Along the way, we’ve met incredible people across the United States and Canada.
Friends will come and go, but don’t think of this as a bad thing, our lives change, people change, and situations change. The dear friends you had ten years ago may no longer have the same interests and you don’t want to push someone into being friends when they are going in a different direction; or their priorities have changed, don’t take it personal. If this friendship is not serving you well and it it’s not positive, it is ok to step away from friendships that no longer serve you.
As I have gotten older, I’ve learned to recognize exhausting friendships and let go of the sense of obligation to maintain them. I can feel comfortable leaving those friendships behind and focus on being a positive influence and building new, uplifting connections. The ones I left behind were usually the ones where I felt I was the one doing all the work and they would reach out only when it was convenient for them. You can’t have a one-sided friendship where one person is doing all the work. Be kind to yourself; reach out to friends that nurture you and encourage you. Real friendships keep you going when times get tough, and they have a positive impact on your mental health. When we engage in relationships that inspire us, we can tackle life’s challenges with greater ease.
There were several years when we lived more than ten hours from our extended families with two small children. We were not able to attend every holiday and occasion like we would have wanted and that is when we found friends ready to reach out and be family away from family. We all need to feel like we belong to a group or community. When we have friends, we feel part of a team. Family and friends make us feel appreciated and it makes us feel valued and cherished. Being valued is how we recognize we are important to others. Friends encourage us to do things and push ourselves. Friends can show us new experiences. Not long ago, a good friend of mine convinced me to attend an Elton John’s concert with her and it was amazing. I would have never thought about going without her encouragement. It’s a reminder of how friends can motivate us to step outside our comfort zones. To hear and see Elton John’s piano performance in person was a whole new experience than just listening to it. The man is a truly a prodigy.
The friends I work out with have the same interest in fitness and we meet to attend a workout class or walk before getting ready for the day. I enjoy walking with my husband because neither of us are plugged into social media and he has my undivided attention for 40 minutes. No one enjoys being pressured to “talk”, most partners find this phrase daunting. Instead, it’s more effective to naturally share what’s been happening throughout the day, which helps us recall important topics to discuss while keeping communication open and engaging.
A couple quotes I have kept throughout my life about friendships are:
Don’t tell me what they said about me, tell me why they were so comfortable to say it around you. – author unknown
My favorite: What Susie says of Sally says more of Susie than of Sally – author unknown
Think about this last one. If they are talking about others and gossiping about them to you, they will probably be talking and gossiping about you; to them. Avoid this type of talk. The best friends I have don’t gossip about others. They focus on other topics and nurture more constructive messages.
The more I think about friendship, the more convinced I am to say that my husband is my best friend. Are our spouses supposed to be our best friend? I would absolutely say yes. You are already spending time together, building memories together, building a family together, building a household together, and managing all these tasks together, and the friendship aspect of it only helps to strengthen a successful relationship.
Here are four essential actions you can take to cultivate meaningful friendships and strengthen your relationships:
1. The top of my list is: Be loyal– according to the Oxford dictionary. “Loyalty is defined as a strong feeling of support or allegiance”. It is unconditional acceptance, even when they make a mistake. Don’t talk about your issues outside of your friendship and if someone starts talking bad about a friend, and the conversations isn’t constructive, don’t engage, stick up for them and change the conversation, be bold enough to step in and have each other’s back. Being loyal means you are willing to work through conflict, showing that you are willing to work through the bad times and the good times. Don’t give up on a relationship just because you are going through a tough time. It takes commitment and work, but it is worth it. What is the old saying: “you get out of it what you put into it”.
2. Be Encouraging: Who wants to be around a Debbie downer? We all have our bad days, but we all need to focus on being encouraging to our family and friends. Encouragement is the action of providing confidence, courage, hope and support. This means being there to persevere and be committed even through tough situations. We need to remember our words can heal or hurt. Be sure to bring encouragement and be positive to be around. We are more inspirational to others than we think, and we do impact the others around us. We all need a positive support system around us. We become someone’s support system when we can encourage them, and we all need to surround ourselves with a support system.
Lastly, don’t forget to smile at others. It can boost their day and yours. It is one of the most powerful ways you can encourage others. We often forget how much better we feel when someone smiles at us. Their happiness is infectious, and it could be the encouragement someone needs to turn their day around. Just last week I was flying home and had a long day of delays and stressing if I would even make it back that evening, when one of the gate helpers walked by with the most infectious smile that single moment made my day and lifted my spirits, reminding me how one person’s kindness can truly brighten a day.
3. Be yourself: Embrace who you are. I feel most at ease around people who are genuinely themselves – authentic, unapologetic, and comfortable in their own skin. They remind us that the best version we can offer is simply our true self. This means there is no agenda, there is no scheme. We are not all perfect and the way we handle our strengths, and being vulnerable will give others permission to be real and relaxed with you. I appreciate it when someone admits to their vulnerabilities, because it makes me feel more relaxed and comfortable. Your authentic self is the best you. It doesn’t matter what people think of you so you might as well be yourself. What others think of you is outside your control, but you control your reactions to it. What others think of you reflects only what they think, not what is true about you.
4. Keep their secrets or privacy: Prove yourself to keep and guard secrets or private matters of others. I think the willingness to develop the willpower to remain quiet is the best way to create your reputation as being trustworthy. Be sure to remember that a “little secret” to you might be a big deal for the other person. It is not your place to judge whether it is a big secret or a little secret, just make sure to guard their privacy. It may not be what the person is saying is a secret, but who wants everyone to know everything about them from someone else. There are just some things we need to keep to ourselves.
Remember at the end of the day, you must be the friend or spouse you want to attract. It is a two-way street, so don’t get in the wrong lane and then wonder why the headlights are blinding you.
The richness of our lives is in our relationships with others. The way we treat others reflects who we are—it sets the foundation for every meaningful relationship.
Together, we can cultivate a supportive community that not only enhances each others lives but also helps us become more fulfilled individuals.
Encourage someone today, and don’t forget to share your smile!